On 'Balance'

I know all moms are jugglers- managing a million things for their families and for themselves. The honest truth is that this idea of being able to balance and juggle everything well is a cultural myth not dissimilar to the bikini clad swimsuit models, we measure ourselves against something that is not only 'ideal', but impossible and actually... a lie. Something has to give and often that is our children. The truth in terms of attachment and in terms of development is that security, emotional health, development of empathy and character as well as establishing a family base that provides peace for your child is grounded in those preschool years. As a baby gets to be a toddler and then becomes a child, emotional family work becomes more about un-doing habits, healing pain and attempting to fill the gaps of what our children didn't get. I often see a mother with a 3,4,5 year old who is out of control. She has lost her will to parent and the child is out of control (although it seems like to the parent that he child has all of the control). Parents beware! The longer your child exhibits a behavior, fights for power and ultimately suffers from attachment issues, the greater the work required to heal this and help your child to become secure. It is more work short term but waaaay less work long term, not to mention less heart ache, to have the focus of your own life to be your childs first few years of development, providing healthy attachment, good boundaries 'raising' them. Culturally, women are encouraged to attempt to juggle family, friends, work, fun, etc etc. I wish that we prepared parents to focus primarily on their child and to let other things go. Having said that, I do think that we have to know what we need to be good parents. This does not mean that we should use our children as our partner, our friend, our only source of fun etc. We have to model a whole person and we have to have good boundaries. What is concerning to me is the notion that we need to be in charge of so much and that we need to strive for perfection. I remember saying early on in Beau's life (to my therapist), "so, I'm supposed to play with him, read to him and carry him around when he's awake and when he sleeps I'm supposed to clean up after him and scrapbook photos of him....That sucks!" I understand the feeling of losing oneself but what I wish mothers knew is that this is TEMPORARY and that this is ultimately not losing but finding what is most valuable about yourself- your nurturing, your kindness etc. All of the gifts that you have been given are to be used here... with your children, as well as other places.... So, What is best for you and your children is to make the most of your 'you' time and make it that- no laundry (let it slide), no organizing (unless you love it!)- let some things go and figure out what is energizing for you. Stop being panicked about what's not done and reflect on what was done with your child- did you read books? Did you talk about things? Did you lose your cool and then apologize? Did you enjoy each other? Don't sell these things short Often these things do not even make our list of 'accomplishments' which is crazy! Who writes your to-do list? Who taught you what would 'count' and what is most important? I'm lucky that my husband appreciates (and is patient with) my letting things slide in order to prioritize my relationship with my kids. I let myself facebook and roam around guilt free when I need to because I need some of this time every day to not be resentful of all of the 'giving' I do. My laziness is often part of my good-parenting ;) I remember having anxiety that Ryan would come home and it would look messier, more chaotic, like nothing got 'done'. I hope that we can shift this focus so that the guilt and ongoing list of pressures that run through our heads is silenced to allow us to recognize the importance of connection and showing our kids what is fulfilling for us- relationships, fun, play...The balance of your life will shift every year and we WILL get more time to ourselves, but what won't happen is that we won't get our 'old' lives back and ultimately we don't want them back. Reinvent day to day and year to year. If we are 10 lb over our goal weight, make less money than we would like, never read 'real' books and never ever have painted nails- does this really reflect on us as women? and if so...who made those rules? My spiritual job today is to hold hands, do time outs for hitting the dog, ask about preschool, get the kids exercised and show them that they are where I want to be... that I enjoy them and that they have a place that is peaceful. To make things peaceful, I have to have my own down-time, have to move my body and have to have certain things in place. We all have a list of musts. Often I flunk, feeling like there is too much mess for peace, too much moodiness, too much on my own mind for me to be be who I need to be. But, at the end of each day I rock these boys (although sleep books would say not to) and I feel content - a little irritated by my dirty house, my unwashed hair, and the lack of time to do things I want to do but so at peace with my 'job'.