When considering boundaries, it is hugely helpful to know what your tendencies are. Knowing that our own history and attachment to those people in our own families effect how we raise our children, we can consider our own 'wounding' and how this might effect the boundaries between ourselves and others. These boundary issues are most definitely exaggerated in our relationship with our child. To think about this, you have to be willing to face your own history and reflect on your primary relationships. The exercise that I often steal from Imago therapy is one where you do the following
- identify your most difficult parent (the one you intuitively classify as more difficult for you to be in close relationship)
- reflect on an incident, or chronic condition that made it difficult to get what you needed from this parent
- identify the feeling that you had as result of not getting what you needed
- reflect on the 'story' you told yourself...this is the exaggerated universal statement... A common example is when you see dishes in the sink, you might think 'i have to do everything.' or 'no one helps me'.
- consider how this 'story' is being played out with your child
Example:
Stacey says her mom was the most difficult relationship for her (in her case it was conflictual)...She constantly felt like she couldn't meet her mothers standards and tried desperately to be perfect to win approval...When she couldn't get her mothers approval, it made her feel like she wasn't good enough and she couldn't be herself... The 'story' that she told herself was that being herself was not acceptable and that she had to be perfect to be worthy of her mothers love...The way that this translates with her child- she fears her child will feel 'not good-enough' and so she avoids discipline and high expectations and tends to accept all behavior...She also recognizes that she fears losing the connection with her child (based on her lost connection with her mother) and so she is fearful of her daughter being 'angry' with her and leaving her feeling isolated and alone (the feeling that she recognizes from her childhood). She is having a hard time having appropriate expectations and boundaries with her child and this has caused her to feel overwhelmed. Her child is acting up frequently and her husband thinks she is too 'soft'.
This is a difficult exercise for some people but it gives you tons of information about why you do what you do with your child. It often takes a lot of therapy for people to process their complicated histories but if you can consider your relationship in this light, you can become aware of how you are being triggered and how your boundaries are being challenged, meaning that you are letting some of your 'stuff' (history, wounds etc) leak into your relationship with your child. We all do this, our history informs us, strengthens us and hinders us. The point of identifying where the line between you and your child, you and your husband etc. gets a little blurry is that once identified, there is the opportunity for healing and for growth. Once Stacey understands her fear that her child will not 'like' her and will ultimately reject her, she can challenge this thought and set up a family system that recognizes this. For instance, if I know that it is difficult for me to not give my child what they want to eat (because of my own personal history), I can develop (with the help of my lovely husband ;) some structure around meals and food to not only help me to keep my issues separate but to make healthy choices for my family.
Culturally, we tend to value concrete boundaries... We have all heard that other cultures think it is crazy that we sleep with our babies down the hall in what looks like tiny jails. We tend to push independence. This is different from the discussion of emotional boundaries. Responding to your crying baby, acknowledging your crying toddler, noticing when your teen slams a door, these are not necessarily emotional boundary issues, but they can be if you have a story that makes you anxious and fearful around these experiences. The goal is to figure out how much of your anxiety is just motivation to respond (babies crying is meant to make us anxious) and how much is more about you then it is about them.
A brief word about parent/child boundaries. It is hugely important to develop a family where parents are 'boss'... This is not to mean that parents are 'big' and children are 'small' or that children have no voice. In order to be a successful boss, you have to respect your child. Their feelings have a voice. But, you as parents have ultimate power and that is known. Recently Leland began crying when we laid him down... We ignored, knowing he is fine and then...oooops... I went in there. Now, he has discovered he is 'boss' of this game and has been filled with new excitement that he is now in control... To undo this...the screaming gets worse until he realizes when he has been rocked and tucked in, no one will respond to his shannanigans ;) You want to respond to your child, of course, but consider big picture what you are teaching them about the world. In terms of attachment, I want Leland to feel cared for and loved and listened to. When he throws a fit, sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't but I have set criteria in my head for what this looks like and rely on my intuition about him. I don't want to teach him to manipulate when he sees that I am wavering but I want him to feel secure and important. For your children to feel secure, they need to know that you are in charge and that you are secure in your expectations. If there's one thing I see that seems to be most harmful to kids it's when their parents set up rules and expectations, make them known and then don't follow through. It's not only that the child learns that he or she can manipulate but the message to the child is that you as a parent are not secure or predictable and the boundaries become confusing. I always think about the Cosby's and Claire Huxtable. She had amazing boundaries... She was warm and responsive but didn't take any sh** from those kids.
And finally: The X Factor...Spiritually, what do you believe? What do you lean on? I believe that God created my children and that they are a gift to me. I believe that they are an enormous responsibility, however I don't believe that the responsibility is all mine. I am not going to fret to provide the 'perfect' family or to make them 'perfect'. I pray that I will be 'good enough' for them to become the men that God intended and be compassionate people in this world. I am comforted by the fact that I am NOT my children's higher power and that there is definite (and daily ;) divine intervention keeping us from at least not harming each other. I do not typically get weighed down by my responsibility to raise these little people, because I trust God. This helps free me from pressure and keeps me from losing my mind. There are so many 'shoulds' that we tell ourselves.. One thing we must do daily is remind ourselves of what we really think is ultimately important, consider the gift that we have in each other and realize that we are NOT responsible for every tantrum or even the occassional prolongued personality disorder. That is not our 'stuff'- our children are their own people. Teaching your children that you will respond and attend to their needs (secure attachment) and that your response will he appropriate, reliable and healthy (boundaries) is what sets them up to have healthy relationships.
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