On the "Loss of Self"

These last weeks have been spent in a rush. Little time for myself...the usual no makeup and ponytail, the usual too tired to read a book. My boys are not even the type that are 'good' when doing errands. So- I decided a while ago not to even try because of the frustration- wrestling in the aisles, 'on your mark...get set...go' and throwing things in the cart. The grocery is about the only place I can take them that they don't act like zoo animals. My time is not my own. I have been writing my thesis paper- in the night, naturally. And the rush has not just been about responsibility but the rush of my head- the rush of things to get done, things to be concerned about, things to plan for. Ryan and I have been considering what it really means to do this life 'right'. I recently read an article in psychology today called 'The American Nightmare' that talked about - you guessed it, our empty American lives...our isolation...our child centered culture...our too many hours at the office to buy things we 'need'...our high depression rate, low marital satisfaction rate, obesity rate...depression. My family had me thinking about where I fit in - in all this daily-ness. How do I find fulfillment? What does that mean?...and if I don't know- how to teach my children? How do I help them struggle against the dominant culture 'narrative' in order to find the fulfillment that will lead them to integrity in relationships and peace with themselves? My own spirituality sees this as God's intention- to use their gifts in the world....to use their intuition and to use their dissatisfaction to let them know where to find joy and peace. Big thought for a Wednesday filled with every day kinds of pressure and tasks. But, it had me thinking about my own satisfaction- this sense of things 'on hold'... my far off dreams, even my hair that never gets properly blow dry (to give the illusion of 'having it together'). With all of these unknowns, the limited time and pressures from every which way, how do I hold on to what is ME? How do I work on ME? How do I find ways to feel alive? This is not a lesson how to be creative, journaling, sex or any other therapeutic homework that brings self-awareness. The real question is- if mothering is not 'life' than what is? I am simultaneously joyful/suffering/anxious/peaceful/content/depressed. This is my SELF as I was created. This is the best of me and the worst of me. Often we confuse an identity crisis with learning things we don't like; we have little control, we aren't as patient as we imagined, we are not having fun in this new life we expected would make us 'happy'. There are many moments in our day, week, year that we want to turn and run from. There is a lot of frustration. I wanted to give up on the juggle this week. I couldn't figure out who I was supposed to be in all of this mix. It felt like no one was asking me what I really wanted. I felt ignored. Then it occurred to me...this is ME- stripped of all my attempts to conceal and fool. I am the one who lost their temper, who was unavailable, who doesn't have it all figured out. I am also the one who offered a moment of peace for someone else, who talked to her child about being a good friend... and that- is the REAL me. Forget makeup, interesting conversation, money...being a mother is as close to my SELF as I will ever get and I am both encouraged by the beauty of the job and discouraged by the sacrifice. It reflects the way I feel about the time "best of times...worst of times." and myself. So- my point? Question what is real. Question where YOU are in all of this. YOU are everywhere. Reflect on what you have learned about you. Consider what is 'right' and why it is so? Consider your time. What if this is all as it should be? Consider what you are actually discovering.