Welcome! Attachment 101

... I have been thinking for a while about how to blog about my work and whether or not I should make that separate from this blog. I have decided that I will just blog the things that I think would be of value to other moms.

I have recently been focused much more on attachment in my training and in my work. I continue to be amazed by how clearly impacted people are by their parents and more specifically, the one who does 'most' of the caring. It is here, at 2 days, at 6 months, at 2 year that these tiny people decide how the world works. They decide if the world is safe based on the way that their needs are responded to. In turn, they become securely or insecurely attached. I can not say how many people I have worked with, individuals, couples and families who did not have this secure foundation. As adults, they are struggling with 'trying' to feel secure, trying to make relationships and wanting to believe that they are 'safe'- that they are worth love and can make sound choices. So... let this be the first.... a shout out to all of you moms and more specifically, the ones who stay home...Your child's attachment to you is the most important thing in their lives. They will grow and feel safe and secure because you have taught them (with your presence and your simple attention) that the world is a good place to be, a place where they feel competent, safe and motivated because they can and will effect the world they live in. They will chose friends, partners and parent with this foundation of security. I believe that all parents should be taught about attachment before they even have children. So, let them watch too much tv, eat too much sugar, don't fret and rest with the peace that you have taught them that they are worthy little people and they will go into the world (with their naughtiness) with this strength and that is the greatest gift you can give them...

I thought it might be helpful to list some things that enhance and support healthy attachment, especially for those moms and dads who don't have as much time with their children...

1. Mirroring feeling states- recognizing your child where they are

'i see you are grouchy', 'i see you are tired', 'i'm noticing you are mad'... without even needing to comment or change where your child is. This is huge. You have taught them to give their feelings names, that their feelings are acceptable (you are not trying to change them) and that you SEE them- which is the most valuable piece. This is what I call 'damage control' because you are preventing your child from feeling shamed or anxious about their feelings which can lead to dissociating and ultimately withdrawing, internalizing or even not recognizing what they are feeling.

2. Spend 10 minutes with one child...tell them what your noticing they're doing... Don't turn away...don't steer them in a different direction with reinforcement or your own ideas. Let them be where they are and observe but vocalize that you are watching. We do this in filial therapy with families and it is huge in helping with attachment injuries and supporting healthy attachment. (it's harder than you think) It let's the child know you will come into THEIR world... they don't always have to be in yours. Undivided attention- even for a few minutes can undo some of the not-so-good stuff that can go in in families due to stress etc.

3. One last thing...tell your child how you are feeling and apologize. "I'm sorry I was yelling earlier.....Mama's get grouchy too. I wonder if you ever get grouchy." Hugely important to acknowledge when you are out-of-whack because your kids DO notice and they will internalize and create a story (if their older) about what's going on with you. The younger children simply pick up on the anxiety. In acknowledging this you are teaching them honesty, you are normalizing feelings and modeling how you would like them to behave when they are out-of-whack.

One last important piece. Well attached children aren't 'well-behaved'...Naughty, stubborn, risk taking...these are all good signs! Often embarrassing, but....your child feels secure enough and powerful enough in the world to assert power. You want your child to feel powerful, like they can effect change...So embrace the naughty.... or at least chill out... You do NOT want a child who is afraid and internalizes... you want a child who knows how to be angry, feels powerful and has strength of character....this goes hand in hand with the 1,2,3,4,5 etc. year old that 'wears you out'...

NEXT WEEK

There are other dynamics at play and next week I think I will focus on boundaries. This is the complicated relationship between responding to your child when you know there is a NEED and putting up appropriate limits and boundaries on your response. Think--- 'crying it out'...we all know how tricky and emotional this topic is. There is no 'right' way but there are some basic info and great tools to encourage your child's independence and gifts while not doing any attachment damage or teaching them to manipulate the world.

I will try to post once a week about attachment and parenting. This is really basic and I will try to keep the language clear as I talk about things that are more complicated This is part of my own personal calling and also my own passion. People have blogs about their passion for cooking, for exercise, for...whatever. I feel passionate about helping people build strong families! Post if their is a topic that you would like to discuss...