On the "Loss of Self"

These last weeks have been spent in a rush. Little time for myself...the usual no makeup and ponytail, the usual too tired to read a book. My boys are not even the type that are 'good' when doing errands. So- I decided a while ago not to even try because of the frustration- wrestling in the aisles, 'on your mark...get set...go' and throwing things in the cart. The grocery is about the only place I can take them that they don't act like zoo animals. My time is not my own. I have been writing my thesis paper- in the night, naturally. And the rush has not just been about responsibility but the rush of my head- the rush of things to get done, things to be concerned about, things to plan for. Ryan and I have been considering what it really means to do this life 'right'. I recently read an article in psychology today called 'The American Nightmare' that talked about - you guessed it, our empty American lives...our isolation...our child centered culture...our too many hours at the office to buy things we 'need'...our high depression rate, low marital satisfaction rate, obesity rate...depression. My family had me thinking about where I fit in - in all this daily-ness. How do I find fulfillment? What does that mean?...and if I don't know- how to teach my children? How do I help them struggle against the dominant culture 'narrative' in order to find the fulfillment that will lead them to integrity in relationships and peace with themselves? My own spirituality sees this as God's intention- to use their gifts in the world....to use their intuition and to use their dissatisfaction to let them know where to find joy and peace. Big thought for a Wednesday filled with every day kinds of pressure and tasks. But, it had me thinking about my own satisfaction- this sense of things 'on hold'... my far off dreams, even my hair that never gets properly blow dry (to give the illusion of 'having it together'). With all of these unknowns, the limited time and pressures from every which way, how do I hold on to what is ME? How do I work on ME? How do I find ways to feel alive? This is not a lesson how to be creative, journaling, sex or any other therapeutic homework that brings self-awareness. The real question is- if mothering is not 'life' than what is? I am simultaneously joyful/suffering/anxious/peaceful/content/depressed. This is my SELF as I was created. This is the best of me and the worst of me. Often we confuse an identity crisis with learning things we don't like; we have little control, we aren't as patient as we imagined, we are not having fun in this new life we expected would make us 'happy'. There are many moments in our day, week, year that we want to turn and run from. There is a lot of frustration. I wanted to give up on the juggle this week. I couldn't figure out who I was supposed to be in all of this mix. It felt like no one was asking me what I really wanted. I felt ignored. Then it occurred to me...this is ME- stripped of all my attempts to conceal and fool. I am the one who lost their temper, who was unavailable, who doesn't have it all figured out. I am also the one who offered a moment of peace for someone else, who talked to her child about being a good friend... and that- is the REAL me. Forget makeup, interesting conversation, money...being a mother is as close to my SELF as I will ever get and I am both encouraged by the beauty of the job and discouraged by the sacrifice. It reflects the way I feel about the time "best of times...worst of times." and myself. So- my point? Question what is real. Question where YOU are in all of this. YOU are everywhere. Reflect on what you have learned about you. Consider what is 'right' and why it is so? Consider your time. What if this is all as it should be? Consider what you are actually discovering.

On 'Balance'

I know all moms are jugglers- managing a million things for their families and for themselves. The honest truth is that this idea of being able to balance and juggle everything well is a cultural myth not dissimilar to the bikini clad swimsuit models, we measure ourselves against something that is not only 'ideal', but impossible and actually... a lie. Something has to give and often that is our children. The truth in terms of attachment and in terms of development is that security, emotional health, development of empathy and character as well as establishing a family base that provides peace for your child is grounded in those preschool years. As a baby gets to be a toddler and then becomes a child, emotional family work becomes more about un-doing habits, healing pain and attempting to fill the gaps of what our children didn't get. I often see a mother with a 3,4,5 year old who is out of control. She has lost her will to parent and the child is out of control (although it seems like to the parent that he child has all of the control). Parents beware! The longer your child exhibits a behavior, fights for power and ultimately suffers from attachment issues, the greater the work required to heal this and help your child to become secure. It is more work short term but waaaay less work long term, not to mention less heart ache, to have the focus of your own life to be your childs first few years of development, providing healthy attachment, good boundaries 'raising' them. Culturally, women are encouraged to attempt to juggle family, friends, work, fun, etc etc. I wish that we prepared parents to focus primarily on their child and to let other things go. Having said that, I do think that we have to know what we need to be good parents. This does not mean that we should use our children as our partner, our friend, our only source of fun etc. We have to model a whole person and we have to have good boundaries. What is concerning to me is the notion that we need to be in charge of so much and that we need to strive for perfection. I remember saying early on in Beau's life (to my therapist), "so, I'm supposed to play with him, read to him and carry him around when he's awake and when he sleeps I'm supposed to clean up after him and scrapbook photos of him....That sucks!" I understand the feeling of losing oneself but what I wish mothers knew is that this is TEMPORARY and that this is ultimately not losing but finding what is most valuable about yourself- your nurturing, your kindness etc. All of the gifts that you have been given are to be used here... with your children, as well as other places.... So, What is best for you and your children is to make the most of your 'you' time and make it that- no laundry (let it slide), no organizing (unless you love it!)- let some things go and figure out what is energizing for you. Stop being panicked about what's not done and reflect on what was done with your child- did you read books? Did you talk about things? Did you lose your cool and then apologize? Did you enjoy each other? Don't sell these things short Often these things do not even make our list of 'accomplishments' which is crazy! Who writes your to-do list? Who taught you what would 'count' and what is most important? I'm lucky that my husband appreciates (and is patient with) my letting things slide in order to prioritize my relationship with my kids. I let myself facebook and roam around guilt free when I need to because I need some of this time every day to not be resentful of all of the 'giving' I do. My laziness is often part of my good-parenting ;) I remember having anxiety that Ryan would come home and it would look messier, more chaotic, like nothing got 'done'. I hope that we can shift this focus so that the guilt and ongoing list of pressures that run through our heads is silenced to allow us to recognize the importance of connection and showing our kids what is fulfilling for us- relationships, fun, play...The balance of your life will shift every year and we WILL get more time to ourselves, but what won't happen is that we won't get our 'old' lives back and ultimately we don't want them back. Reinvent day to day and year to year. If we are 10 lb over our goal weight, make less money than we would like, never read 'real' books and never ever have painted nails- does this really reflect on us as women? and if so...who made those rules? My spiritual job today is to hold hands, do time outs for hitting the dog, ask about preschool, get the kids exercised and show them that they are where I want to be... that I enjoy them and that they have a place that is peaceful. To make things peaceful, I have to have my own down-time, have to move my body and have to have certain things in place. We all have a list of musts. Often I flunk, feeling like there is too much mess for peace, too much moodiness, too much on my own mind for me to be be who I need to be. But, at the end of each day I rock these boys (although sleep books would say not to) and I feel content - a little irritated by my dirty house, my unwashed hair, and the lack of time to do things I want to do but so at peace with my 'job'.

Boundaries

The word 'boundaries' has a lot of meanings and can be used in a couple of different ways. As a mom, the most important 'boundary' is the one between you and your child. This is a really important topic because it examines how emotionally healthy we are in our relationships. The balance that we 'hope' to strike is one where we are effected by others, can empathize and even sympathize... can respond to their needs and get a glimpse of their pain based on our own experience, with out 'taking on' what is not ours. I have said many times that this is why I have spent so much time in school- to learn how to keep my 'stuff' separate and to not take other peoples' 'stuff' on. This is nearly impossible as a parent. Someone once said to me 'you're only as happy as your least happy kid'... true! But, there are things we can do to protect ourselves (as mothers) from getting worn down by the bad moods, the nautiness and the neediness of our children.

When considering boundaries, it is hugely helpful to know what your tendencies are. Knowing that our own history and attachment to those people in our own families effect how we raise our children, we can consider our own 'wounding' and how this might effect the boundaries between ourselves and others. These boundary issues are most definitely exaggerated in our relationship with our child. To think about this, you have to be willing to face your own history and reflect on your primary relationships. The exercise that I often steal from Imago therapy is one where you do the following

• identify your most difficult parent (the one you intuitively classify as more difficult for you to be in close relationship)
• reflect on an incident, or chronic condition that made it difficult to get what you needed from this parent
• identify the feeling that you had as result of not getting what you needed
• reflect on the 'story' you told yourself...this is the exaggerated universal statement... A common example is when you see dishes in the sink, you might think 'i have to do everything.' or 'no one helps me'.
• consider how this 'story' is being played out with your child

Example:

Stacey says her mom was the most difficult relationship for her (in her case it was conflictual)...She constantly felt like she couldn't meet her mothers standards and tried desperately to be perfect to win approval...When she couldn't get her mothers approval, it made her feel like she wasn't good enough and she couldn't be herself... The 'story' that she told herself was that being herself was not acceptable and that she had to be perfect to be worthy of her mothers love...The way that this translates with her child- she fears her child will feel 'not good-enough' and so she avoids discipline and high expectations and tends to accept all behavior...She also recognizes that she fears losing the connection with her child (based on her lost connection with her mother) and so she is fearful of her daughter being 'angry' with her and leaving her feeling isolated and alone (the feeling that she recognizes from her childhood). She is having a hard time having appropriate expectations and boundaries with her child and this has caused her to feel overwhelmed. Her child is acting up frequently and her husband thinks she is too 'soft'.

This is a difficult exercise for some people but it gives you tons of information about why you do what you do with your child. It often takes a lot of therapy for people to process their complicated histories but if you can consider your relationship in this light, you can become aware of how you are being triggered and how your boundaries are being challenged, meaning that you are letting some of your 'stuff' (history, wounds etc) leak into your relationship with your child. We all do this, our history informs us, strengthens us and hinders us. The point of identifying where the line between you and your child, you and your husband etc. gets a little blurry is that once identified, there is the opportunity for healing and for growth. Once Stacey understands her fear that her child will not 'like' her and will ultimately reject her, she can challenge this thought and set up a family system that recognizes this. For instance, if I know that it is difficult for me to not give my child what they want to eat (because of my own personal history), I can develop (with the help of my lovely husband ;) some structure around meals and food to not only help me to keep my issues separate but to make healthy choices for my family.

Culturally, we tend to value concrete boundaries... We have all heard that other cultures think it is crazy that we sleep with our babies down the hall in what looks like tiny jails. We tend to push independence. This is different from the discussion of emotional boundaries. Responding to your crying baby, acknowledging your crying toddler, noticing when your teen slams a door, these are not necessarily emotional boundary issues, but they can be if you have a story that makes you anxious and fearful around these experiences. The goal is to figure out how much of your anxiety is just motivation to respond (babies crying is meant to make us anxious) and how much is more about you then it is about them.

A brief word about parent/child boundaries. It is hugely important to develop a family where parents are 'boss'... This is not to mean that parents are 'big' and children are 'small' or that children have no voice. In order to be a successful boss, you have to respect your child. Their feelings have a voice. But, you as parents have ultimate power and that is known. Recently Leland began crying when we laid him down... We ignored, knowing he is fine and then...oooops... I went in there. Now, he has discovered he is 'boss' of this game and has been filled with new excitement that he is now in control... To undo this...the screaming gets worse until he realizes when he has been rocked and tucked in, no one will respond to his shannanigans ;) You want to respond to your child, of course, but consider big picture what you are teaching them about the world. In terms of attachment, I want Leland to feel cared for and loved and listened to. When he throws a fit, sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't but I have set criteria in my head for what this looks like and rely on my intuition about him. I don't want to teach him to manipulate when he sees that I am wavering but I want him to feel secure and important. For your children to feel secure, they need to know that you are in charge and that you are secure in your expectations. If there's one thing I see that seems to be most harmful to kids it's when their parents set up rules and expectations, make them known and then don't follow through. It's not only that the child learns that he or she can manipulate but the message to the child is that you as a parent are not secure or predictable and the boundaries become confusing. I always think about the Cosby's and Claire Huxtable. She had amazing boundaries... She was warm and responsive but didn't take any sh** from those kids.

And finally: The X Factor...Spiritually, what do you believe? What do you lean on? I believe that God created my children and that they are a gift to me. I believe that they are an enormous responsibility, however I don't believe that the responsibility is all mine. I am not going to fret to provide the 'perfect' family or to make them 'perfect'. I pray that I will be 'good enough' for them to become the men that God intended and be compassionate people in this world. I am comforted by the fact that I am NOT my children's higher power and that there is definite (and daily ;) divine intervention keeping us from at least not harming each other. I do not typically get weighed down by my responsibility to raise these little people, because I trust God. This helps free me from pressure and keeps me from losing my mind. There are so many 'shoulds' that we tell ourselves.. One thing we must do daily is remind ourselves of what we really think is ultimately important, consider the gift that we have in each other and realize that we are NOT responsible for every tantrum or even the occassional prolongued personality disorder. That is not our 'stuff'- our children are their own people. Teaching your children that you will respond and attend to their needs (secure attachment) and that your response will he appropriate, reliable and healthy (boundaries) is what sets them up to have healthy relationships.

Welcome! Attachment 101

... I have been thinking for a while about how to blog about my work and whether or not I should make that separate from this blog. I have decided that I will just blog the things that I think would be of value to other moms.

I have recently been focused much more on attachment in my training and in my work. I continue to be amazed by how clearly impacted people are by their parents and more specifically, the one who does 'most' of the caring. It is here, at 2 days, at 6 months, at 2 year that these tiny people decide how the world works. They decide if the world is safe based on the way that their needs are responded to. In turn, they become securely or insecurely attached. I can not say how many people I have worked with, individuals, couples and families who did not have this secure foundation. As adults, they are struggling with 'trying' to feel secure, trying to make relationships and wanting to believe that they are 'safe'- that they are worth love and can make sound choices. So... let this be the first.... a shout out to all of you moms and more specifically, the ones who stay home...Your child's attachment to you is the most important thing in their lives. They will grow and feel safe and secure because you have taught them (with your presence and your simple attention) that the world is a good place to be, a place where they feel competent, safe and motivated because they can and will effect the world they live in. They will chose friends, partners and parent with this foundation of security. I believe that all parents should be taught about attachment before they even have children. So, let them watch too much tv, eat too much sugar, don't fret and rest with the peace that you have taught them that they are worthy little people and they will go into the world (with their naughtiness) with this strength and that is the greatest gift you can give them...

I thought it might be helpful to list some things that enhance and support healthy attachment, especially for those moms and dads who don't have as much time with their children...

1. Mirroring feeling states- recognizing your child where they are

'i see you are grouchy', 'i see you are tired', 'i'm noticing you are mad'... without even needing to comment or change where your child is. This is huge. You have taught them to give their feelings names, that their feelings are acceptable (you are not trying to change them) and that you SEE them- which is the most valuable piece. This is what I call 'damage control' because you are preventing your child from feeling shamed or anxious about their feelings which can lead to dissociating and ultimately withdrawing, internalizing or even not recognizing what they are feeling.

2. Spend 10 minutes with one child...tell them what your noticing they're doing... Don't turn away...don't steer them in a different direction with reinforcement or your own ideas. Let them be where they are and observe but vocalize that you are watching. We do this in filial therapy with families and it is huge in helping with attachment injuries and supporting healthy attachment. (it's harder than you think) It let's the child know you will come into THEIR world... they don't always have to be in yours. Undivided attention- even for a few minutes can undo some of the not-so-good stuff that can go in in families due to stress etc.

3. One last thing...tell your child how you are feeling and apologize. "I'm sorry I was yelling earlier.....Mama's get grouchy too. I wonder if you ever get grouchy." Hugely important to acknowledge when you are out-of-whack because your kids DO notice and they will internalize and create a story (if their older) about what's going on with you. The younger children simply pick up on the anxiety. In acknowledging this you are teaching them honesty, you are normalizing feelings and modeling how you would like them to behave when they are out-of-whack.

One last important piece. Well attached children aren't 'well-behaved'...Naughty, stubborn, risk taking...these are all good signs! Often embarrassing, but....your child feels secure enough and powerful enough in the world to assert power. You want your child to feel powerful, like they can effect change...So embrace the naughty.... or at least chill out... You do NOT want a child who is afraid and internalizes... you want a child who knows how to be angry, feels powerful and has strength of character....this goes hand in hand with the 1,2,3,4,5 etc. year old that 'wears you out'...

NEXT WEEK

There are other dynamics at play and next week I think I will focus on boundaries. This is the complicated relationship between responding to your child when you know there is a NEED and putting up appropriate limits and boundaries on your response. Think--- 'crying it out'...we all know how tricky and emotional this topic is. There is no 'right' way but there are some basic info and great tools to encourage your child's independence and gifts while not doing any attachment damage or teaching them to manipulate the world.

I will try to post once a week about attachment and parenting. This is really basic and I will try to keep the language clear as I talk about things that are more complicated This is part of my own personal calling and also my own passion. People have blogs about their passion for cooking, for exercise, for...whatever. I feel passionate about helping people build strong families! Post if their is a topic that you would like to discuss...